My Family


Thursday, April 9, 2009

recognizing perfection in me despite myself

there is a habit in our home that i see in every person living in our family. it keeps us from listening to each other and caring about each other's feelings because we can't see past the seeming accusation to hear the situation at hand. it saddens me when i see my children be defensive with each other and with aaron and i. but, i know that being defensive is a form of protecting ourselves because of a lacking in our sense of acceptance, value and security. it is the result of feeling attacked, even if the other person is not attacking at all. they may just be sharing their feelings or asking a question. the words, 'its not my fault" or "that's your fault" prove the defensive feelings in ourselves. even the immediate response of changing the subject to the faults of the other person is that same form of defense in trying not to have to see or face an imperfection of our own if we focus on their issues or even blame them for ours. "the reason i do that is because you......" are words that i hear a lot.

i wondered how did that happen in my children. i try to teach them to just look inside and see the issues they deal with, admit them, and ask God to help them with them. admitting fault or weaknesses does not show weakness, it shows strength in understanding of their value as a person not because they have perfect behavior but because of who they are and that they are unconditionally loved by us and God. they seem to understand it when we are talking but it does not seem to change how they handle the next conflict. i guess that shows mental assent but not revelation of truth concerning themselves. then one day i remembered, from my humanities classes that i took in college, that most of the behavior that we see in children is behavior that is modeled by their parents. my heart was saddened once again but at the same time enlightened with hope. i saw that their responses were just a reflection of what they saw and experienced in their relationship with me and their dad. i guess that shows mental assent but not revelation of truth concerning myself.

you would think that would make me feel worse. but it didn't. it showed me that i am still growing in my own understanding of unconditional acceptance and love and my value before God. it gave me hope because now, i can take myself to my God and ask Him to help me recognize my value in Christ. and, as i do i can search my heart of intentions and my behavior that is not reflective of His character, recognize it for what it is, actions of a woman who is responding to her circumstance outside of Truth, and ask God to continue to lead me to Him for my worth (Psalm 139:23, 24). i can humbly look and see when i am wrong and admit it because i am learning to understand that i am not perfect in and of myself but perfect despite myself, because of the finished work of Jesus and his gift of righteousness given to me. that is exciting to me because of the freedom that i am beginning to experience within myself. but, also because i know that the work of the Spirit of God within me overflowing into my family will also demonstrate before my children the power of knowing God's uncondtional love, which is where my hope lies as i begin to watch the change in me change them as well.

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