it is sad to me and kind of frustrating that i can not get through more than a couple of days without raising my voice and being angry with my kids. i hate to yell and yet it seems my voice level reaches that point so much more often than i would like for it to, because i would like for it to be never. i want to just be able to blame my raising my voice in frustration on my kids telling them that if they would just do what i tell them and stop being unkind to your brother and sisters, then i would not have to yell. actually i think i have said that before. but, i know that the tone and the voice level that i use when i am communicating is not determined by anyone but myself.
my kids hate it too. and i don't blame them. who likes to be yelled at. i hear them say to me, "mom, your yelling at me!" it didn't seem to me like i was yelling. i was just trying to get my point across. but, to be perfectly honest, if i were the one listening to me instead of talking then i probably would have thought i was yelling too. then they try to put the guilt trip on me for yelling and the discussion turns from their misbehavior to mine. how do they do that? my response is usually defensive in saying that i don't know how to emphasize my point without raising my voice. and the guilt trip continues when they say, "aunt connie never yells." which they are right. i don't think that she ever does. how does she do that? i want that!
i know that when i have bad behavior that God's response to me is always gentle, kind and patient. how does he do that? i want that! His way is so much more effective than mine. He reminds me of who i am and that my behavior is not reflecting that. and i am humbled and lean on Him to empower me to change my attitude or actions, or ususally both. it is amazing to me when i hear the unction of the Spirit of God within me urging me to see myself as His child, who is righteous and holy, when i am not acting that way. He convicts me of my righteousness and it brings me humbly to my knees. then, He empowers me to think and act the way that my Father does. i guess i can act like that. i just wish i could continue to remember that all the time before i act like an idiot. then again, that is what the Holy Spirit is for, to remind me.
so, remind me Lord. remind me everyday of who You are. remind me of Your goodness. remind me of Your love. remind me of your mercy. remind me of Your grace. remind me of Your righteousness in me so that i can see myself responding like you in all that i do. i want that!
4 days ago