I decided to follow my friend Sandy at One Day at a Time and write a post for her meme called Tell Me About IT Thursday each week she gives us an idea of something to write about from our childhood. this week's theme was "An event in your life that changed your life forever" if you want to read more Tell Me About It Thursday posts stop by and check out her blog to find them.
i think back on my childhood and i can remember being so aware of everything that seemed to be going on. i remember events that happened in other people's lives that i probably should not have even known about because i was always paying attention to every detail that was happening all around me. i could be playing in a room somewhere and still know what was going on in the next room and hear the conversation that was being spoken. i was very interested in everyone's lives that i came in contact with. i learned a lot as a kid. i grew up with a lot of wisdom and knowledge and understanding because i paid attention to how people handled the storms in their lives and came up with my own ideas of what i thought they should do even then. i saw people make poor choices with their lives and wondered what in the world they were doing. as a kid, i could see that was a stupid thing to do. i sat back and listened and i guess i would say i even judged people's choices and actions that they took in their lives and i watched to see what the outcome of their choices were. this sounds odd for a child but i was interested in people and how they handled their life.
this part of my personality caused me to learn a lot in my life without having to experience bad things to learn them. I learned from other people's mistakes. i learned that doing the right thing paid off in the long run. i learned that following your feelings usually got you into more trouble than you were in before. i learned that when people are hurting, they should never make important decisions. all of these things made me grow up with wisdom beyond my years and i knew it. as i got older, i felt very wise and competent to help people with their issues and welcomed people to come and beckon me to help them with their problems. and they came.
i began to feel as if i could handle any issue in my life and other people's too. many times i felt like i just wish people would let me live their life for a few days and i would get them all fixed up. sounds arrogant, i know! i was getting there. i saw myself as a young girl who wanted to do what was right. i thought i knew what right was and i did it. i could not understand why other people did not see life the way that i did and I could not understand why they made such stupid choices in their life. i had little compassion or mercy for people because i felt like their poor decisions got them in their predicament and they would have to do what was right to get themselves out of it. don't get me wrong! i was not mean or hateful! i loved people and wanted them to be happy and do right. i wanted them to experience the good life that i knew that God wanted them to have. i just felt like their struggles were brought on by themselves and they would have to do the right thing to get themselves out of their own messes. i was prideful and judgmental because i thought that i pretty much always did the right thing all of the time, so why couldn't they?
what i learned about God did not help me much because it seemed that everything that i learned about Him backed up what i believed as a child. i learned that God would bless you if you do good and curse you if you do bad. so, of course, i wanted to always do good and i expected to be blessed because of it. i thought the same would be true of everyone else also. as i grew up and became an adult i took my self righteous attitude along with me. but, life became different for me because i began to see things differently, with adult responsibilities and issues. i looked to God to take care of the things that concerned me because i had been so faithful to serve Him and do right. i felt i had done my part and i expected Him to do what He said He would do now. i felt His presence strong in my life but yet my concerns still lingered. i began to get confused and wonder why God did not seem to be answering my call to take care of me in many different ways.
i struggled with this in my walk with God for a couple of years until i finally asked Him to show me what was wrong with me. i had done what i thought He desired for me to do. i had lived my life for Him. i had not strayed into the world and lived in sin. i had done things right in so many ways. then one day, God showed me something me that changed the rest of my life. it was as if He took me by the hand to walk me to a destination and i followed. He lead me right to the foot of the cross and stood me next to Jesus. i immediately felt my heart grieve inside for i knew that He was showing me that my righteousness was nothing in comparison to His Son. i recognized immediately that i was expecting God to move on my behalf because i thought that i had been good enough rather than because Jesus was good enough. my heart was broken yet freed at the same time. I felt like crying yet laughing at the same time. i realized i was trying so hard to be good before, that i missed the whole point of leaning on and depending upon my savior for my access to the provision of God. my righteousness was as filthy rags to God and He could not bless it.
i have never been the same since this time in my life. now, compassion and mercy flow from my innermost being and i long to take people in my arms and hurt with them and ask God to take care of their needs because He loves them and is a merciful God. His heart now flows from me. now, instead of me seeing people's failures, i see their need for the revelation of the love and goodness of their God and Savior. God continues to show me more and more areas today where i find myself seeking God to take care of an issue based on something that i have done instead of what Jesus has done. but, God gently continues to lead me back to the cross every time and i repent and return my gaze to the proper means of righteousness.
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