if you were to ask people who knew me what i was like, you would probably hear words like "laid back, easy going, happy, easy to get along with." and, i believe that all of those things are pretty much true. but there is a part of me that only those close to me, like my husband or my mom would know much about. i know it is there. i let it arise once in awhile. but, it was not just until this last week that i realized something. i realized that i have been keeping a cap on this part of me out of fear, fear of others looking and thinking of me as a strong, bossy, controlling woman. i never want to have a negative reputation for being that way and so i only allowed a little bit of that strength in me to come out once in awhile, just enough to share what I thought might be important, then i would quiet myself down and sit back to just let whatever will be to be. there really is not a problem with living life like that really. i get to say my little say once in awhile and maybe shed some light on a situation. but, as far as making a difference and using what God has placed in my heart to change my world, that part of me has been kept hidden away most of the time because of a fear that i truly did not know had so much control over me.
i just recently watched the movie blindside. in this movie, sandra bullock played the part of a very strong woman who saw the value in a young man who never had anyone in his life ever be willing to sacrifice any aspect of their own selves long enough to bring out the potential and value within him until she came into his life. she was willing to sacrifice. she was willing to step out of her comfort zone. she was willing to allow others to perceive her in an unbecoming way in order to bring about the means necessary to allow the value of this young man to shine for all the world to see. she did not care what others thought of her. she did not let her fear stop her from doing what she was compelled to do. she did not put her own value before the value of another. when the movie was over, i sat and thought, "that same strength that lives in her is in me but i am not sure that i would have allowed it to arise to the level that she did. would i have been willing to stand up and act on the unseen value of another person enough to bring change into their life?" i saw myself in this woman and yet it was as if i only saw her inside of me and not outwardly manifested in my life. that's when i realized that fear of what others might think of me keeps it locked inside.
i have been studying ephesians in the last couple of years in a lot of depth. God has been showing me so much about what Jesus accomplished for us in bringing us into union with God by our faith in His finished work on the cross. "even when we were dead by our own shortcomings, He made us alive (together) in fellowship and in union with Christ....and He raised us up (together) with Him and made us sit down (together), giving us joint seating with Him.." (ephesians 2:5,6) God made us to be the righteousness of Christ. He made us like Him so that we could be One with Him and One with one another, equally righteous before Him. that is hard to grasp sometimes. but, just as God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit are three persons yet One God, equal to One another in nature; so we are all individual persons yet one body, equal to one another in nature. galations 3:28 says, "there is now no distinction, neither jew nor greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is not male and female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus." i have allowed the fact that i was a woman to keep me in fear of letting the strength that lives in me to arise for fear that others will think that i am stepping over my boundaries out into a place that most men despise. but, should that keep me from living there? i would have to say that it shouldn't, but it has! for that, i repent! i still do not want to be thought of as a strong, bossy, controlling woman because that is not who i am or long to be but within me is a wealth of strength and truth and i want to allow Him to arise and shine outwardly into the lives of everyone that the Lord brings into my pathway. i have been enlightened by the Holy Spirit and i will not be blindsided with lies anymore.
3 days ago