finding the right friend

friends! why are they so important? it seems as if that is the search of everyone's heart. once again, i think back on my childhood and see myself as a little girl moving into our new home. i was four. my very first memory was asking my mom for some friends to play with. she took me by the hand and we set out in our new neighborhood to find me some friends. but, why was it so important for me to find friends? i had a sister that i could play with. she was two. why did i not see her as the friend that would always be with me and always be home when i was? the friend that would never move away or leave me for a better friend? i do not know. but, there was a drive in me, even at four years old to seek and find "friends." it seems that i would find someone to be my friend and then they would be gone, out of my life. so, i would continue my search. as i got older it was the same, finding a friend, then for some reason they were gone, out of my life. but, the desperateness of my heart to find a faithful and loyal friend to share my life with was still my number one goal. i still wonder why. why was it so important for me to find someone outside of my own family to be with? i think the answer is that i was looking for someone to want me, choose me, be excited to be with me and think that i was the best person in the world to be with. my little sister didn't fit into that category. she couldn't choose me. we were already chosen for each other as sisters by God. there was no choice there from us. as we got older, she became wrapped up in her own effort to find friends as well. and so, i began to see her step out in the same search as i was in.

i see my children in the same search in their life right now. all of them at different ages and in different experiences in their lives, yet each still looking for friends, finding them and being willing to sacrifice so much for them. they seem to be more important than anything in their lives right now. their identity so wrapped up in fitting into a group of people who want them, choose them, and are so excited to be with them every moment they possibly can. even when they get in trouble with their friends, they try so hard to defend them and make sure that their friends are not blamed. i'm guessing this is for the purpose of me not thinking bad things about them and preventing them from being together in the future. family is important to them. i can see it. they love each other. they love me and their dad. but, we do not satisfy that thing in them that longs for chosen friendship. as a mom, i wish i could pick their friends for them. i tried that already. it just does not work. i would pick the ones who they call goodie goodies. the ones they would never get in trouble with, always did the right thing, never was a bad influence, and always spoke respectfully and kindly to everyone. ok, maybe that kind of friend does not exist. or maybe He does.

as i have become an adult and have grown in my understanding of God's love for me. i realize that all that i was looking for in a friend, as a child, a teenager, a young adult and even a young married, was for someone to choose to be with me and think that i was exciting and fun to be with, someone to think that i was wonderful no matter what and would defend me at all costs, even paying the ultimate cost Himself. I found that friend, and no, it was not my husband, even though he is a wonderful friend too. i found that friend in Jesus or actually He found me. He sought me out. He chose me to be His friend. He wants to be with me all the time. His thoughts toward me are endless. His love for me in infinite. He thinks that i am fun and funny and exciting. wow! i make him smile with admiration. how could this Friend not satisfy that longing in my heart that has always been there from the time that i was a little girl. What a friend i have in Jesus. my Friend reminds me to trust Him because just as He sought me out, He is seeking out my children too. Their search for friendship will find its end in Him too. my heart is satisfied and at peace as i lean on Him to be that friend that sticks closer than a brother to me and my children. Proverbs 18:24

building security in the heart of this child

today, i thought that i would share some of what i feel like God is revealing to me concerning my life, how i came to this place in my growing understanding of His love and grace and how what i am learning along the way is affecting all that i do and all that i experience now. i am really in awe of recognizing God's presence in my life from as far back as i can remember. some of the first memories that i have as a little girl are living in a small trailer court with my sister and parents. as i think back it seems i was about three or four. i felt so secure and loved by my parents. i felt like i was the center of their world, so in my understanding at the time, the center of "the whole world." i don't remember a lot of details at this age, but i remember how i felt as a whole. it seemed to me then that whatever i needed or desired was provided for me from my mom and dad. we moved to a new home when i was four and i remember thinking at that time that we moved for me, just me. thinking, i guess, that since i was the center of the world that there could not be any other reason. as a small child, we only understand the world as we have experienced it and to that point in my life i had only experienced life with me as the important one. i can now see how God was setting me up, founding me on a sense of self value and a security that He was going to continue to build upon for the rest of my life.

now as i look at my own children and remember what they were like at that age, i pray that i have set them in the course of their world with the same sense of value and security that i enjoyed then. each of my children are so different, with stengths and weaknesses uniquely their very own. but, i wonder if deep in the very heart of their soul abides a security on value and love that i established in them under the power and influence of the Spirit of God within me. it is not always evident in outward appearances that they are so secure and believe that they have such value because of decisions that i see them make in their lives. the world is so seductive and appealing and tells a story so opposite of Truth that every place in their thoughts and feelings has to find value in Love, true Love, in order for them the escape the corruption that is the result of looking for their value in anything that the world has to offer. i know that they are still growing in their understanding of Truth, and definitely so am i. God is leading me to trust Him and know that their heart belongs to Him. only He can establish their heart in His love. i am just an instument of His grace that He will use to flow from. as i turn back time in my mind and remember my babies and how completely dependent on me they were to love and provide for them and establish a sense of security in them, i seem to be reminded by God that i am the child and He is my Father and today and everyday, it is me who is completely dependent on Him to love and provide for me His finished work of grace in my children's lives continuing to establish my sense of security in Him and Him alone.

laying my heart at the feet of Jesus

well, here goes. not really sure how this is going to go but i do believe it is in my heart to begin to share some of the things that God is doing in my life and secrets that live in my heart. i've really been inspired by a blog that i have just begun to read by a young, sweet mommy (what she calls herself). happening upon her blog was not an accident but, i believe, a direction from the Lord. as i have read much of what she has written from her heart, i've been moved to tears and smiled a lot, enjoying partaking of what she has shared. wondering if anything that i have to share might move anyone as her writings have moved me, i thought that i just might let some of my heart be opened to those interested in hearing the secrets in the heart of a wife and mom who sometimes feels as if she might drown in the difficulties of raising five children if it weren't for my God who is ever so merciful and His Grace who is ever so powerful. as i write this, tears stream down my own face, thinking of some of the situations that i am laying at the feet of Jesus at this very moment in my life. this seems to make it plain to me that going forward with this new adventure of blogging may just be a way for God to continue to remind me of His love and His goodness toward me. open heart surgery, with God's love as the knife, that's kind of what it feels like. cutting away the dead, useless pieces and repairing it with His intense, unconditional love. i hope that a few people are touched and moved to sharing their lives as well by reading some of what i may reveal of myself as i continue to lay my heart at his feet and trust Him to keep it and make it whole.